It’s been happening slowly, ever so slowly. I want to say I began to wonder about it in 2016 or 17 when, during one of the acts of teenage rebellion, we had a runaway on our hands. But that wasn’t it. It was just a notable event which caused great pause.
Today I pulled up behind my two boys unawares. I had forgotten. And my mind was in auto pilot, never park behind the Honda! But they were taking Jonny’s car and he typically stays home, so it’s a safe parking bet. However, they put the car in reverse and I honked! After situating myself behind the Honda I waited for them to back up. We rolled down the windows, and they said “We’ll see you tomorrow!” They had loaded up the car and were ready for a trip to Milwaukee to see RiseAgainst. I had forgotten - suddenly I felt compelled to alert them that I wouldn’t be home tomorrow, because of a 1-day work trip. We’d see each other Thursday. All at once I felt a wave of uncertainty fall over me for their sake. Parental jitters. Ben in 26 and Jonny’s near 22, but I was fearful. I told them I’ll be praying for them while they’re gone.
No, this feeling has been coming on for a very long time.
I waited while they finished leaving but I could feel it coming on. After parking I came in to see my wife Julie. We greeted each other and she went into the other room. All at once it happened. I began to weep. But why? I let myself cry for a few moments, it felt good. Then, before my wife returned I wanted to preserve my manly dignity, so blew my nose and washed my face. She saw right through it. “Are you ok? Your eyes are bright red?!” I admitted my concern and began to think about it.
The house is pretty quiet these days. And I do like my peace, but it’s too quiet. I tried to sit and think and the cat jumped up for a scratch. She was in luck, I was in the mood. But not for long. I just couldn’t sit around after that emotive. So, I got dressed for the yard and raked up half the fall leaves in the back yard. A truly vigorous workout and while out there I could think. No particular thoughts - just clarity.
I was afraid. Not of losing my boys, they love us and they know we love them. Just of the loss of influence I may have in their lives as they continue to take the independence all men must have.
But I think I was most afraid of the loneliness I felt. What is loneliness? One dictionary defines it as “Solitude; retirement; seclusion from company.” This certainly nails the definition, but that is not the reason for my fear. I have misidentified it. Times of solitude are actually very necessary for the soul.
Fear is the real issue. Fear itself. Loneliness is just how I first felt it. The real fear is loss of influence and fear of becoming inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
Fear of death! Yet, isn’t it the case that as a Christian, death has been swallowed up in victory (Isa. 25:8; 1 Cor 15:54-57)? It is! But there are times we all look at the life we have lived up to now, and count the days, feel very much cheated by our own selfishness. Why haven’t I cared more for others? Have I truly loved those closest to me with unselfish motives? At times, yes, but other times - I shudder to think of the hurt I brought.
The Scriptures state plainly one unalterable and powerful fact - perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). It states simply that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). And this is the best of it - God himself is love (1 John 4:16-18).
Think about what this does! The fear just melts away as I remember that though I have not been as loving as I ought, He demonstrates the most perfect love in sending His only son to die in my place (Rom. 5:8-11)!
Praise Yah!
Not only do I begin to feel joy over my own forgiveness before God, I can have all hope that He has demonstrated to all - and my own grown children fall into that category - while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
I don’t need to be influential in their lives. He is all we need! If my influence were to have its way, apart from Christ, my children would follow the ways of the wicked. My real hope and joy is in Christ and when I die, Christ’s influence in their lives continues on forever!
Well, that sure makes a guy feel better!
